In a way I am writing as a sort of love letter to my husband and sons. I can only write about my experiences so if this doesn’t resonate with you that’s okay, my experience is limited but my perspective is vast.

Since I have this utter honesty thing going on I feel it’s fair to say that as I write this I am on my way up from a low. I wasn’t going to write anything in this state for fear of it being rejected but when I sat with that I realized I wasn’t being true to my intention which is simply doing something for me, we can’t always be at our best all of the time. There’s a real difference in feeling creatively blocked and a fear of writing, this is something I’m figuring out as I write each word. My fear was telling me I had nothing to say and no one would care when the reality is I hope this helps someone but ultimately it’s for me so as long as I care isn’t that the point? Each word brings relief and a release and that’s what its about, nothing else. I felt a need to be very transparent about being in a low because in this state I was able to create something from love and passion so please never think your broken your quite literally learning something new about yourself. I discovered I can be creative on a dark day, that’s a win in my book. What might you find out about yourself if you step out of the normal?

I notice every time I go through a low or a place of learning something new about myself is how I prefer to say it, it gets a bit easier. Having learned what’s going on inside my head and body during these lows makes it much easier for me, it takes most of the guilt away while processing because I would never knowingly choose to feel this way. Our brains are always trying to protect us so I’m sure there was some subconscious protection happening in the form of avoidance. Thing is, we can go a long time burying things down deep and then something comes a long and blows your walls to dust and your left standing with what I can only describe as feeling naked and vulnerable. Let’s say you put some thoughts out either publicly or to those closest to you, they will be judged, it’s just the world we live in. The trick is, even if you are judged it won’t matter because your intention is so positive and pure. If I make people uncomfortable by my thoughts or writing I am okay with that because that’s a sign this isn’t for them and my intention is never to make people do anything just put out ideas, take them or leave them.

I’d like to say that once you discover some tools and tricks for keeping yourself in a positive mindset that it’s easy street from there but it can be a bumpy road. Our brains like to bring us back to the familiar past so it’s completely normal to feel your bouncing back and forth from positive to negative mindsets. I love getting bursts of creativity, excitement, drive etc. when I feel that way I feel unstoppable so secure, so sure and so accomplished. Life isn’t supposed to be sunshine and roses everyday, there will always be highs and lows, it’s all in how we react to life, how much energy we give away to things that we don’t have control of. Its quite literally like the gas tank in your vehicle having a leak, your fuel will drain much quicker. If we are worrying about things we cannot change our energy is seeping out of us. Instead I am learning how to notice things and be aware of things without attaching a feeling or emotion to them. Just so were clear this is easier said than done, it doesn’t have to be it’s just the longer you operate this way the harder it can be to change it but certainly possible! This has been a challenge I face everyday but it gets easier and easier with meditation.

I can easily talk myself out of writing because the classic negative line of ‘what could I possibly have to say’ repeats itself. If I’m to practice what I preach then I have to hold myself accountable and stop the incessant banter of not being smart or creative enough and remember my purpose. I spend most of everyday doing for everyone else and I thoroughly enjoy giving to and loving my family however it comes at a price if I don’t show myself some giving and loving. Now I’m not saying a family causes this by any means, what I am saying is be aware of yourself in the process. Stay in tuned with who you are and what your needs are. We can all to easily feel guilt as soon as we think about ourselves and I’m here to say that’s epic bullshit, I matter and you matter kids or no kids everyone matters.

I still have several moments a day where I want to verbally berate myself a little because I do have a beautiful life and although the past doesn’t actively haunt me in the way it used to, my body needs to play catch-up. It was insanely hard to ask for help, I’m so grateful that my husband hears me, he may not always understand the specifics but he has a kind and caring nature that shows in his incredible patience. There are days still where he no doubt holds the fort down so to speak. He gives me that bit of space to myself to work through the next release and in doing so I am able to return to a calmer, quieter mind with more ease, never with pressure. The guilt of taking time to myself has lessened as I have started trusting me more. I understand that an hour or 2 to myself to do some writing or whatever cup filling activity I choose is only going to allow me to be more in the moment as well as patient with my boys and be an active partner in our home. In the beginning it certainly wasn’t easy I needed a lot of reassurance from my husband that taking that time was okay, it seems silly now but it was very much real. These days I listen to my body more than I ever have, I don’t take several hours to myself everyday that’s not realistic, I try to catch myself when I notice my attention withdrawing and I know it’s time for me, that’s my cue.

My hope for you if you’ve made it this far is to find true cup filling things to add into your life. My intention was never to write and sound like I was preaching to anyone on what to do and what not to do. At the end of the day all you can do is what works for you, it has to feel right for you. Take many ideas and shape them into something that’s just for you. I know it’s overwhelming at the thought of even starting something for yourself, so just start with one thing, one thought, see where it takes you….never pressure, always love!

To be continued…