The one thing I want to do right in this world is to raise kind caring children who grow up to be confident critical thinkers who have so much abundance in love and passion. I don’t care what they do with their lives who they are in a relationship with or even how they perform academically, I just want them to feel secure and loved so they have what they need to truly thrive. Naturally I will guide them as best I can but ultimately a lot of these decisions are sort of theirs to make for the most part, of course there are always exceptions in extreme circumstances.

Lately I keep thinking about what is important in our life and trying to focus on those things as my priority thoughts however I can’t deny the cloud that looms. This cloud is never far away although I’ve gotten better at quieting it. Its form has tentacles like some sort of deranged unnatural creature reaching out for me everyday and everyday I have to tame this beast. Everyday I fight to hold on to what matters most to me and it will always irrevocably be my family, specifically my children. I’ve made it through a lot of my own personal demons and I’ll write more on that next time as it was an intense and extremely emotional experience but one that I have been working so hard to finally feel and I am incredibly proud of myself for it! This nameless faceless creature comes to me in the form of a sacrifice, a sacrifice I didn’t agree to but that was forced upon me nonetheless. This creature came for one of the most important roles I will ever play in this lifetime, called Momma. I can only write about my experience as a mother although I feel it deeply for my husband and children.

In another life I visualise a mother not needing to choose between helping to financially support her family and actually raising that family. I see a woman so settled and secure in who she is and the life around her that she can be the kind of woman, mother and wife that she deserves to be. She can take time for herself and not feel like shes dropping the ball because the balls are now manageable. She will have the time to invest in learning how to be a parent, there are so many amazing experts out there to learn from but without the time and mental capacity to take it on it can seem impossible. I dream of mothers so safe and secure we lift each other up and praise each other because even though we may not know one another we are united on this path of motherhood. Just imagine how a Momma like that could raise her babies, from a more natural state instead of the overwhelmed over worked state. Imagine how that kind of woman could handle herself day to day, dare I say less anxious? Less depressed? Feelings of hopelessness, what’s that? Let your mind wander to the future, how do you think those babies would grow up? I see an overflow of love onto those babies where they naturally absorb those positive qualities because it’s what they see, hear and feel from their Mom because she’s there. Let your mind wander a bit further, those babies are all grown up, they are looking to start a family and you were able to show them things like how to regulate their emotions and mostly that it’s normal to have them! You showed them what a solid partnership is and how to take care of others without losing yourself in the process. You showed them how to critically think and be their own individual. They are walking into this world as equipped as they can without being dictated to but alternately guided along their path. I see a well rounded open minded loving human. Imagine as the years went on and more babies could be raised this way, what do you think the future of the world would be like then?

Now you might be thinking well that’s a bit dramatic and to your credit you may be right but all I can tell you is my body has been screaming this injustice for years. It’s never felt right, this set up we have. If we want this place to flourish shouldn’t we set our children up to succeed? It doesn’t make sense in my mind because I’ve ALWAYS heard the classic line children are our future, well I call BULLSHIT because it seems to me they are being set up to fail. Of course if you stress out the parents enough that inevitably filters down to them and instead of the beautiful image I just created in my mind I see a scene I really do not want to put to much of my focus and intention on. I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that my ability to perform as a mother is directly related to my mental health. Although my mental health is not their responsibility they are indeed shouldered with the burden and suffer those consequences. Fortunately in our case those consequences in my opinion have not been dire however I know in other cases they very much are. Now, I am in no way suggesting we live in a world without conflict or struggle on the contrary thank you to Andrew Huberman, PhD I learned about an important aspect of the brain that thrives when we do ‘hard’ things, I’m paraphrasing there but the idea is that we need to do challenging things of course. What I’m talking about is a continuous state of flight, fight or freeze that I personally was in for years and I imagine a lot of people are and we are not designed to stay in any one of those states for a lengthy amount of time. From my research the side effects of that are an endless amount of mental and PHYSICAL health issues so again I ask why the hell aren’t we learning this at home and in schools? How can anyone teach what they don’t yet know themselves?

As you may know I’ve been on a path of self discovery and healing for a few years now. I still feel this subject deeply however I try to be more aware of it as opposed to letting it take root in my heart. I have been able to somewhat quiet my mind, release trauma and feel love and joy through the negative and in doing so I don’t see the world in such a negative state. That doesn’t mean however that I will be complacent. Just because I can now see the forest through the trees doesn’t mean its all okay it just means I am able to do okay but what about the other that don’t even know those tools exist, I write for me and for them, we are so much more then we even know! I implore you to get curious about yourself, don’t hide from uncomfortable feelings as they are supposed to be there to let you know what you need to work on, they are a beacon guiding you towards what needs your literal attention.

I still have days where I feel like I’m watching my family grow from afar, stuck just outside of the love and joy sucked back into the darkness. The only difference now is I have confidence in myself and I know I have tools and those tools work. Just imagine if we all had those tools and knew intimately how they worked? We are a world run on emotions yet very few know how much control emotions truly have over them, what if they knew and in turn could lessen the hold. I see a mental health decline to be honest, why the hell don’t we learn in school this basic, yes basic life skill but yet arguably for me the most important life skill you will ever learn. Just to reiterate, I’m a nobody from a small town in Ontario Canada, these are just my thoughts feelings and opinions that require nothing else other than some consideration, or not.

Ultimately you can’t teach what you don’t know so until it’s mainstream don’t give up and educate yourself, you’ve got this!

To be continued…