So I was out on my swing meditating which for me is literally swinging on my childhood swing set with earbuds in listening to anything that moves me. Getting lost in the lyrics was the only way I could quiet my mind, you see my thoughts would be racing as fast as one of those money counter machines you see at the bank. I felt I would think so quickly and sometimes the thoughts would turn verbal and before you know it I have a case of verbal diarrhea. Such a hard thing to take hold of let me tell you, it’s still very much a thing in my life I am working on, not everyone needs to know every thought I have. Remaining aware enough to catch it can be challenging but I am getting better at it especially recently. Last entry I talked about a really emotional experience that happened to me and I believe I feel the way I do right now because of it.

I was sitting in my red adirondack chair around my fire pit with my dog at my side in my back yard on Sept 20th. The full moon was Sept 17th so it was quite bright and beautiful out, picture perfect if you ask me. My husband text me asking if I was still out at the fire I said I was and to come out. A few moments later he came out and put his arms around my shoulders from behind the chair and I immediately burst into tears. I had images running through my mind of events in my past that essentially I needed healing from. As I have previously said I did have a beautiful childhood and will always treasure that time we did so many things as a family. We were so lucky to travel to so many places like Mexico and up north every year multiple times it was amazing. Having said all that it doesn’t mean it was perfect and it absolutely had moments that needed my attention and focus as I became an adult, it just turned out to be year 36 for me! Both of those things can be true they can exist at the same time. As I’m snotting unabashedly on my husbands shoulder several things became very clear to me as the racing thoughts slowed. First off pure peace that I could even do this in the first place and that I didn’t seem to give a single shit. It was me as raw as I would quite literally ever get. It was everything coming up and out and it was glorious. I just stayed there locked in that position not wanting to do more because I knew I needed this and I had been waiting for this day when my body would feel comfortable enough to let it go and it was through the help of my husbands strength, I did. I don’t know that he will ever fully understand what his hands did for me that night but mark my words I will do my best to make it clear to him. We talked a little afterwards and he sat patiently listening while I explained the cliff notes of what just happened. I figured he’d been through enough with part 1 I didn’t need to go down into every detail, I didn’t require that either it was for me. It was a late night that night I think 2 a.m and I was up with the boys by 6:30 but I was still flying high and didn’t give a shit I was so proud of myself for the night before and I basked in it quite frankly I celebrated it! Secondly I thought, I then knew I had trouble being vulnerable yet I would ask it of my husband, turns out it was just missing in both of us. The third thing was a series of images that flashed through my mind and those were the things I had been hoping and praying for. I felt free from the memories, I was carrying everything around with me. All the ‘stuff’ the emotional baggage that was just sitting there stagnant evaporated and it was so quiet. Peace.

Monday comes and I feel rested I wake up feeling lighter quieter and more able to focus on morning tasks. I would sometimes freeze in the a.m or get lost in my phone like a compulsion so I was pleased that I seemed more at ease with things. I still have flare ups of emotional reactions but find I can identify them much quicker and in turn release the emotional hold it had on me. Just deal with the uncomfortable feeling right away and carry on. I do still find this difficult even though I know I am getting better, I REQUIRE time on that swing with those earbuds like I require oxygen. It grounds me it opens my mind it clears anything lingering around the edges that I may have missed throughout the day, puts me at ease and sets me straight.

Everyday will be a rinse and repeat of catching myself in these moments of self doubt or reverting back to the past until one day it just naturally is with little to no effort at all. I’m on that road I can see it for now. Even if I loose sight I will do what do you do in a storm, stop! I will take that as a sign to stop and rest and relax I obviously need it and I should be able to let myself have it to some degree even with two children for them I need to make that time a priority. I am noticing a meter on my social battery more and more and I feel I am thinking about that differently now. I am trusting that gauge for when to stay home and when to be social. I just had to admit that that’s who I am. I am someone who needs time to themselves and utterly enjoys it and finds it so calming and recharging, I cherish that time. I used to love to drink and be very social it was who I was but turns out it was who I was while I drank. I still enjoy a drink don’t get me wrong here I just do it quite differently now and I’m loving who I’m finding through this process. For full transparency I also use Cannabis to help me focus while I’m meditating. I’m in no way endorsing this I’m just wanting to be completely honest with this whole process as best I can, this was what I chose for me. I’m so grateful that I stopped forcing the process along, found what worked for me and just relaxed into the music and let it carry me where I needed to go. It’s unreal what will come to the surface when you give into your questions.

All of this is to say…us neurodivergent folks tend to have A LOT of thoughts. We filter through so much that I’ve always wondered, there definitely is a reason but what is the reason? Why on earth would you make these brains! It can feel like an overcapacity rage most of the time. What if it helps us filter through so much that maybe it can help us heal more effectively or quicker? I’m not sure. We as humans are so controlled by emotions and can lead to reactiveness, then wouldn’t it be safe to say that mastering those emotions means you’ve mastered you. Meaning you can control the narrative in your brain, you can catch those shitty thoughts in their tracks and know that they are shitty thoughts because you know who you are. You trust in you so fully that there’s no room for doubt and when you stare that thought down long enough and don’t look away from it I promise it will go away. Hiding from emotions doesn’t make you strong it just stays with you until one day it affects you in the form of mental and or physical pain. Since regulating emotions seems to be really taking off it’s safe to assume (hopefully) that maybe people can help ease their own anxieties and depressions and maybe ‘physical’ illnesses as well. There is another way, trust in yourself to do what you know is right for you, there is another way.

To be continued…

I had to do an edit. I really wanted to share that the song A Lot More Free by Max McNown is absolutely incredible and I owe those lyrics more than I can say. Thank you for letting me get lost in your words.

To be continued for real…