Today I held on to the memory of what Christmas felt like once upon a time. Today I fought hard to remember who I am and how far I’ve come. I fought so hard to hold on to the smile so they didn’t have a single doubt that Christmas is magic. Beneath the memory of Christmas past is a feeling of loss and hope. Part of an old life that doesn’t fit is making way for the birth of a new one. Right now however is the in-between.

The in-between for me is having a deep knowing that I’m where I’m supposed to be mixed with an absolute fear I’m fucking my life and the life of my family up entirely. It’s the place where knowledge leads to integration and parts of yourself are stripped and ripped away from you, some so painfully and yet so painfully necessary. I can’t carry that shit around and call myself okay. It’s the place I get REAL real with myself and stop lying to the most important person I will ever know, me. The in between is an absolute ruthless process and I totally get why people don’t do it or quit. It would be so easy to keep numbing out this busy mind because days like today the narration inside isn’t kind BUT they deserve better. Right now they are my fuel, I don’t have enough for myself. So for now I’ll keep borrowing because Christmas is magic and that’s all they’ll know.

Sometimes when I feel lost or absolutely don’t know what else to do I will read the bible. Tonight I red a few verses from the bible but my mind was spent from today and I just couldn’t absorb it so I felt like meditating. Normally I do meditation only because its good for me not because I want to, hardly ever do I WANT to. During my meditation I was pondering why I reached for the bible, what was I missing that I thought I could find in those pages? The same thing that’s missing almost every time I reach for that book. What came to me was connection, I’m simply seeking a connection to something outside of ‘this’. I know I’m trying to tap out of ‘this’ and into something greater than the pressure and the weight of here. I’m hopeful there will come a day where I reach for that book to further fulfillment and not to escape this. A day where the escape leads to being found. In my darkest moments I yell out to be found, I can’t remember how to see how to feel, the disconnect is so real.

It’s wild to me that on the surface I was functioning through Christmas day yet simultaneously clearing dirt and debris from the first 37 years. By now I know my mind likes to focus on the negative so I am actively in real time as I type this altering what my brain captured today. Yes today was hard, first and foremost today was fucking hard and I’m fully observing that and letting it be real. My body cried a lot to release the amount of stimulation from Christmas. Trying to release the guilt of not being able to entirely handle the kids excitement on Christmas morning was a bit of a fucker to work on and definitely needs more TLC.

They won’t see perfection, they will see us trying. I’ll say it again they won’t ever see perfection but they will see us trying. It’s all we can do Mama’s, I give you permission to just try, that’s all…Merry Christmas Mama!

To be continued…